Why do I do it?

Sometimes I start asking myself questions, ones that aren't very useful or productive. Such is the nature of doubt. It creeps into your mind when you least expect it and it rarely leaves you with something productive. Why do I keep lifting heavy, why do I keep forcing myself to eat and take all my supplements, why do I organize my free time schedule around going to the gym.

During the past few years, I have had at least two or three joints with pains or aches at all times, either because I'm injured, or because of overuse tendinitis. I've never seen eating as much of a pleasure in life, and although there are foods I enjoy, I've always seen feeding as taking in fuel for your body, so as a necessity. There are also times when I think to myself when I'm out that I'd rather not stay too long, because I have to do deadlifts the next day and I want to be in top shape.

As far as appreciation from others goes, it was never a good motivator for me, even though it's always nice to hear compliments. Also, nobody cares how much I squat or deadlift, or how many pull-ups I can do.The thing is that working out with a serious training regimen is only a competition against yourself.

I remember when I first walked into the gym a few years ago. I fooled around with weights when I was younger, but I wasn't too serious about it. Then I decided I wanted to be strong. As soon as I stepped in I felt uncomfortable, like everybody was watching and judging me. The fact that I was doing squats with just the bar and struggling to bench 30 kilos didn't help. Even though some people were probably doing exactly that, I learned quickly that it doesn't matter. The ones who are in there to actually do hard work, don't have time to care about anything. And the same way it doesn't matter when I'm struggling with baby weights, it doesn't matter if I can deadlift a car. The only true reason to keep going is to be better than I used to be. The weight on the bar is only an indicator of progress, not what defines me as a person.

The fact is that lifting is an anchor in my life. If I keep doing it, it reflects in a positive manner in many other areas. It forces me to eat better, it forces me to try to keep a tight sleeping schedule, but most of all it allows me to set goals for myself, which is something I've always had trouble with, perhaps because of depression. I don't do it for compliments, I don't do it for attention, I don't do it to try to beat somebody else. Even though we are not alone in this world, and these things do matter for everybody, they're not enough. Motivation has to come from within. As soon as you start relying on exterior motivation as the driving force for your actions, you expose yourself to disappointment. When all is said and done, the only person that will always be there for you is yourself. And that's okay.