Why do I do it?

Sometimes I start asking myself questions, ones that aren't very useful or productive. Such is the nature of doubt. It creeps into your mind when you least expect it and it rarely leaves you with something productive. Why do I keep lifting heavy, why do I keep forcing myself to eat and take all my supplements, why do I organize my free time schedule around going to the gym.

During the past few years, I have had at least two or three joints with pains or aches at all times, either because I'm injured, or because of overuse tendinitis. I've never seen eating as much of a pleasure in life, and although there are foods I enjoy, I've always seen feeding as taking in fuel for your body, so as a necessity. There are also times when I think to myself when I'm out that I'd rather not stay too long, because I have to do deadlifts the next day and I want to be in top shape.

As far as appreciation from others goes, it was never a good motivator for me, even though it's always nice to hear compliments. Also, nobody cares how much I squat or deadlift, or how many pull-ups I can do.The thing is that working out with a serious training regimen is only a competition against yourself.

I remember when I first walked into the gym a few years ago. I fooled around with weights when I was younger, but I wasn't too serious about it. Then I decided I wanted to be strong. As soon as I stepped in I felt uncomfortable, like everybody was watching and judging me. The fact that I was doing squats with just the bar and struggling to bench 30 kilos didn't help. Even though some people were probably doing exactly that, I learned quickly that it doesn't matter. The ones who are in there to actually do hard work, don't have time to care about anything. And the same way it doesn't matter when I'm struggling with baby weights, it doesn't matter if I can deadlift a car. The only true reason to keep going is to be better than I used to be. The weight on the bar is only an indicator of progress, not what defines me as a person.

The fact is that lifting is an anchor in my life. If I keep doing it, it reflects in a positive manner in many other areas. It forces me to eat better, it forces me to try to keep a tight sleeping schedule, but most of all it allows me to set goals for myself, which is something I've always had trouble with, perhaps because of depression. I don't do it for compliments, I don't do it for attention, I don't do it to try to beat somebody else. Even though we are not alone in this world, and these things do matter for everybody, they're not enough. Motivation has to come from within. As soon as you start relying on exterior motivation as the driving force for your actions, you expose yourself to disappointment. When all is said and done, the only person that will always be there for you is yourself. And that's okay.

Two wheels

Against my better judgement, I decided to go out for a bike ride today. My hip was feeling a little bit better and I decided not to push myself too hard, just pedal to the sound of music on a quiet morning. That of course didn't happen, because I'm not very patient and I love to sprint. Plus, the pump I get in my quads from going hard for a minute or two feels great.

I like to listen to music when I ride, even though some might think that's a little bit dangerous. I just keep the volume down and pay extra attention to cars around me. Anyway, it was Sunday morning so there wasn't too much traffic.

Just as I was starting to go down this hill, Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd started playing on my ipod, and it couldn't have been a better moment. Rushing down at max speed, wind blowing, the smell of flowers and trees around me. When I came back, tired and sweaty, another perfect song. Feuer Frei. It helped me push and get on top of that hill faster. It was an awesome sensation.

Another cool thing happened. I was passing through this park and there was some sort of air show going on. Some guys from a parachuting club were doing precision jumps and I caught a picture of one of them landing. It was really sunny and my eyes were hurting from looking up at the sky so I didn't notice the dude in the black shirt when I took it.

All in all, a good way to start the day, even though I probably should be resting as much as possible. If I'm feeling better tomorrow, I'm deadlifting heavy again.

90 days of summer

I have 3 months left till I turn 26 so I decided I'm going to push myself extra hard in order to achieve a big milestone that I've always had my eyes on. I want to be able to perform 25+ pull-ups, deadlift 2x my body weight, squat 1.5x and bench press 1x for reps. I've had this target set up for myself ever since I started lifting and although it's going to be difficult, I think I can do it with a little bit of discipline.

Current stats:

Height: 1.81 cm
Weight: 68kg
Pull-ups: 20 reps
Deadlift: 105kg 3x3
Squat: 95x1
Bench press: 60kg 6x3

Deadlifting 140 kgs will be the most difficult to accomplish, followed by the bench press because of a nagging shoulder and the fact that I don't plan on gaining much weight during this time, if at all. Upper body pushing movements have always been my weakness. I'll just have to focus on form, technique and bringing up my triceps strength, since I've noticed they're lacking.

I'll be aiming for 150+ grams of protein every day and trying to get more quality sleep. I'll be testing my max squat and deadlift every 7-10 days and focus on form an assistance exercises in between. For upper body exercises, the time between personal record attempts will be 4-7 days. Deload time will have to be scheduled in somehow, but I have to do some research on this, as I've never done it on purpose within the parameters of a strict program.

I'll also try to keep a log of my progress here and check back on it every two weeks or so to see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong.