Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I felt like destroying something beatiful

The skin on the palms of my hands is almost torn. My fingers are shaking. I can barely bend my elbows. The towel I brought with me is soaking wet. I feel like I don't remember how to walk. I glance at my self in the mirror, there's no expression on my face.

My heart is pounding and I breathe heavily. My vision is narrowed, the periphery gets lost in a blur. I can't hear what song is playing on the radio, but I can feel the beat. The people moving around me are just figurines doing a silly dance. My mind is almost blank, only able to focus on breathing.

 I take a final sip of water, the whole bottle is gone. I don't remember what I say to the guy at the door, but I'm pretty sure I said something. I'm on auto-pilot now.

I go down the stairs, carefully grabbing the handles, because my legs are fried. Night time has come, and the air is nice and cool. There's a pleasant aroma floating around me; it seems like linden, probably from a nearby tree.

People are out walking their dogs, but my eyes are fixed in the distance. I almost don't hear the sound of cars passing on my side, and their lights seem to be like white balls of light flying by.

My mind is clear, void of thoughts, but it feels like it doesn't need anything to occupy it or distract it either. Beautiful, sublime nothingness. I felt like destroying something beautiful, but I destroyed myself instead. This was a good workout.

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