The Iron

This article originally appeared in Details Magazine in 1994.

The Iron
by Henry Rollins


I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself.

Completely.

When I was young I had no sense of myself. All I was, was a product of all the fear and humiliation I suffered. Fear of my parents. The humiliation of teachers calling me "garbage can" and telling me I'd be mowing lawns for a living. And the very real terror of my fellow students. I was threatened and beaten up for the color of my skin and my size. I was skinny and clumsy, and when others would tease me I didn't run home crying, wondering why.

I knew all too well. I was there to be antagonized. In sports I was laughed at. A spaz. I was pretty good at boxing but only because the rage that filled my every waking moment made me wild and unpredictable. I fought with some strange fury. The other boys thought I was crazy.

I hated myself all the time.

As stupid at it seems now, I wanted to talk like them, dress like them, carry myself with the ease of knowing that I wasn't going to get pounded in the hallway between classes. Years passed and I learned to keep it all inside. I only talked to a few boys in my grade. Other losers. Some of them are to this day the greatest people I have ever known. Hang out with a guy who has had his head flushed down a toilet a few times, treat him with respect, and you'll find a faithful friend forever. But even with friends, school sucked. Teachers gave me hard time. I didn't think much of them either.

Then came Mr. Pepperman, my advisor. He was a powerfully built Vietnam veteran, and he was scary. No one ever talked out of turn in his class. Once one kid did and Mr. P. lifted him off the ground and pinned him to the blackboard. Mr. P. could see that I was in bad shape, and one Friday in October he asked me if I had ever worked out with weights. I told him no.

He told me that I was going to take some of the money that I had saved and buy a hundred-pound set of weights at Sears. As I left his office, I started to think of things I would say to him on Monday when he asked about the weights that I was not going to buy. Still, it made me feel special. My father never really got that close to caring. On Saturday I bought the weights, but I couldn't even drag them to my mom's car. An attendant laughed at me as he put them on a dolly.

Monday came and I was called into Mr. P.'s office after school. He said that he was going to show me how to work out. He was going to put me on a program and start hitting me in the solar plexus in the hallway when I wasn't looking. When I could take the punch we would know that we were getting somewhere. At no time was I to look at myself in the mirror or tell anyone at school what I was doing. In the gym he showed me ten basic exercises. I paid more attention than I ever did in any of my classes. I didn't want to blow it. I went home that night and started right in.

Weeks passed, and every once in a while Mr. P. would give me a shot and drop me in the hallway, sending my books flying. The other students didn't know what to think. More weeks passed, and I was steadily adding new weights to the bar. I could sense the power inside my body growing. I could feel it.

Right before Christmas break I was walking to class, and from out of nowhere Mr. Pepperman appeared and gave me a shot in the chest. I laughed and kept going. He said I could look at myself now. I got home and ran to the bathroom and pulled off my shirt. I saw a body, not just the shell that housed my stomach and my heart. My biceps bulged. My chest had definition. I felt strong. It was the first time I can remember having a sense of myself. I had done something and no one could ever take it away. You couldn't say shit to me.

It took me years to fully appreciate the value of the lessons I have learned from the Iron. I used to think that it was my adversary, that I was trying to lift that which does not want to be lifted. I was wrong. When the Iron doesn't want to come off the mat, it's the kindest thing it can do for you. If it flew up and went through the ceiling, it wouldn't teach you anything. That's the way the Iron talks to you. It tells you that the material you work with is that which you will come to resemble. That which you work against will always work against you.

It wasn't until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can't be as bad as that workout.

I used to fight the pain, but recently this became clear to me: pain is not my enemy; it is my call to greatness. But when dealing with the Iron, one must be careful to interpret the pain correctly. Most injuries involving the Iron come from ego. I once spent a few weeks lifting weight that my body wasn't ready for and spent a few months not picking up anything heavier than a fork. Try to lift what you're not prepared to and the Iron will teach you a little lesson in restraint and self-control.

I have never met a truly strong person who didn't have self-respect. I think a lot of inwardly and outwardly directed contempt passes itself off as self-respect: the idea of raising yourself by stepping on someone's shoulders instead of doing it yourself. When I see guys working out for cosmetic reasons, I see vanity exposing them in the worst way, as cartoon characters, billboards for imbalance and insecurity. Strength reveals itself through character. It is the difference between bouncers who get off strong-arming people and Mr. Pepperman.

Muscle mass does not always equal strength. Strength is kindness and sensitivity. Strength is understanding that your power is both physical and emotional. That it comes from the body and the mind. And the heart.

Yukio Mishima said that he could not entertain the idea of romance if he was not strong. Romance is such a strong and overwhelming passion, a weakened body cannot sustain it for long. I have some of my most romantic thoughts when I am with the Iron. Once I was in love with a woman. I thought about her the most when the pain from a workout was racing through my body.

Everything in me wanted her. So much so that sex was only a fraction of my total desire. It was the single most intense love I have ever felt, but she lived far away and I didn't see her very often. Working out was a healthy way of dealing with the loneliness. To this day, when I work out I usually listen to ballads.

I prefer to work out alone.

It enables me to concentrate on the lessons that the Iron has for me. Learning about what you're made of is always time well spent, and I have found no better teacher. The Iron had taught me how to live. Life is capable of driving you out of your mind. The way it all comes down these days, it's some kind of miracle if you're not insane. People have become separated from their bodies. They are no longer whole.

I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind.

Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind.

The Iron is the best antidepressant I have ever found. There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength. Once the mind and body have been awakened to their true potential, it's impossible to turn back.

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

I felt like destroying something beatiful

The skin on the palms of my hands is almost torn. My fingers are shaking. I can barely bend my elbows. The towel I brought with me is soaking wet. I feel like I don't remember how to walk. I glance at my self in the mirror, there's no expression on my face.

My heart is pounding and I breathe heavily. My vision is narrowed, the periphery gets lost in a blur. I can't hear what song is playing on the radio, but I can feel the beat. The people moving around me are just figurines doing a silly dance. My mind is almost blank, only able to focus on breathing.

 I take a final sip of water, the whole bottle is gone. I don't remember what I say to the guy at the door, but I'm pretty sure I said something. I'm on auto-pilot now.

I go down the stairs, carefully grabbing the handles, because my legs are fried. Night time has come, and the air is nice and cool. There's a pleasant aroma floating around me; it seems like linden, probably from a nearby tree.

People are out walking their dogs, but my eyes are fixed in the distance. I almost don't hear the sound of cars passing on my side, and their lights seem to be like white balls of light flying by.

My mind is clear, void of thoughts, but it feels like it doesn't need anything to occupy it or distract it either. Beautiful, sublime nothingness. I felt like destroying something beautiful, but I destroyed myself instead. This was a good workout.

Great last lines from famous movies

"You met me at a very strange time in my life."
-Fight Club.

"I find I am so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."
-The Shawshank Redemption

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, he's gone."
-The Usual Suspects

"There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane. The vicious and the evil. All the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp. And I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this there is no catharsis. My punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling.

This confession has meant nothing."
-American Psycho

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
-Gone With The Wind

"Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be...fooled."
-The Prestige

 "I'm an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook."
-Goodfellas

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a ballooon that about to burst, but then I remember to relax and stop holding onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure, but don't worry, you will someday."
-American Beauty

"I don't know the future... I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how this is going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you... a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you..."
-The Matrix

"This is me taking control of my life...what the fuck have you done lately?"
-Wanted

"I will see you again. But not yet...not yet."
-Gladiator

What if...

What if I had said something instead keeping my mouth shut?

What if I had left everything instead of staying where I was when there was nothing holding me back?

What if I had done what I actually wanted to instead of what was more comfortable?

What if I had had the courage to face my fear instead of letting myself succumb to it?

What if I had stopped listening to them and listened to myself instead?

What if I had jumped forward instead of slowly crawling back?

What if I had taken the time to listen when it mattered instead of turning my head away?

What if I had kept my word instead of breaking a promise?

What if I had tried a little bit instead of  not even making the first step?

What if I had followed my dreams instead of just seeing them in my sleep?

What if I had had the patience to wait instead of letting my impulses take over?

What if I had ignored the rules instead of reluctantly following them when I knew they were not wright?



What if I had taken the time to look around me instead of walking with my head in the clouds?



What if I hadn't flown so close to the sun when I knew that my wings couldn't handle the heat?

What if I hadn't looked back when I knew it would only bring up bad memories?

What if I had let go instead of trying to control the uncontrollable?

What if I had never asked myself what if...?

Improving conversational skills

I stumbled upon an interesting article written by  Linda Sapadin, Ph.D recently about the psychology of conversation.

Here's an excerpt about common obstacles that might interrupt a healthy flow of thoughts and ideas during a discussion:

"To construct our own great conversations, we need to listen and speak respectfully. No need to be starry-eyed lovers. But do everything you can to avoid the Congressional model.

Want to improve your conversational skills? Avoid these common conversational breakers:

Speaking

•     Going on and on without giving the other person a chance to talk. (Yakkety, yak, yak, yak)
•     Pontificating. (Of course, it’s done this way. How else?)
•     Confusing listening with obeying. (Why aren’t you listening to me? I told you to do it this way!)
•     Making a definitive statement without explaining your position. (This is what has to be done.)

Listening

•     Listening while multi-tasking. (Checking your phone messages as you listen.)
•     Responding with frequent “Yes, but” statements. (“Yes, but I don’t want to do it.”)
•     Interrupting with a rebuttal. (“I know what you’re saying and it’s ridiculous.”)
•     Rolling your eyes or displaying other disrespectful body language."

Read the full article here.

There will be blood

We like to make plans, prepare and think we're ready for when the bad times come. Or sometimes when life is good we delude ourselves into thinking that it will keep going on forever, following an ascending slope into happiness and well-being. But that's not the case, isn't it? Troubles come out of nowhere, sometimes when you least expect it, and they seem to never come alone.

A great man once said "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face". This quote belongs to Mike Tyson, and he made getting punched in the face and punching other people's faces his job, but it's a good metaphor for what happens when harm comes your way, even if it's not always physical.

Nothing can get you ready for the unexpected, no back-up plans work 100% and no safety measures are completely reliable. Fortunes are lost over night, injuries cripple athletes for life every day and violence against innocent people is incredibly common. Why even mention this? Especially because that's the question that comes through most people's mind when experiencing hardship. Why? The answer: there is no answer. Sometimes there is no reason and undeserving things happen to undeserving people, both good and bad.

Back to the face punch metaphor. When a hard strike hits you in the head the world around starts to seemingly spin, your eyes begin to water and you're looking for things to hold on to, even though there aren't any around. Sounds familiar? That's pretty much what happens when you lose someone you care about, or your job that you badly needed, or your health. Nothing makes sense and things that used to support you are no longer strong enough to do it.

Next, there's two things that can happen. You can either get knocked-out and then the "fight" is over, or, if you're lucky enough and you can still "keep your hands up", instincts will take over. There's no rational thinking in that moment, "training" (or life experience) is the only force that will keep you going through the storm.

As cliche as it might sound, life is a struggle and we need to be reminded of it more often. Sometimes it seems like you're winning, but then that "punch" comes out of nowhere and down you go. But it works the other way around, too. If you manage to weather the storm, the clouds will clear and sunlight will follow.

One thing to remember, though: even if you came to win, you might still lose. But if you came to lose, you will definitely lose. There's no shortage of unexpected surprises potentially coming our way every day. How we respond to them, well, that's up to every individual's character and personal strength. The good thing about these qualities is that they can be enhanced and improved even in the face of adversity, and sometimes, especially in the face of adversity. Take your punches and give some back.